i don't just give up, i give in

[Note: all my dear friends who freak over theological language, substitute X or The Great Pumpkin or the Mystery or That-Which-Can-Never-Be-Named or the designation of your choice. "God" is fine with me and "God" I shall use.]

No matter what I do, God stays the same. There is something comforting about that. I am the one who has to become different. I can't get away with all my shit. God is not going to meet me halfway here and become more shitty just so I can feel better. I wouldn't anyway. I would just say what kind of God is that, that gets all weirded out just so I don't feel so alone in my weirded-out-ness?

No matter what I do, God stays the same. If I go off on a rampage, drinking and whoring and transgressing all social and moral bounds, God stays the same. If I get all holy and churchy or synagogy and boy scouty, God stays the same.

Some might ask, where's my incentive? I ask right back, what are you trying to do, make an impression on God? Give me a break. Try that trick on someone who will change when you do. It's called manipulation.

So now what? No matter what I do, God stays the same. It's a blessed relief, really. Can't get away with any of my tricks. And I've got a bag full of some highly inventive ones in which I have great pride -- some of them so tricky I don't know until much much later that I was being so tricky. All to no avail. God just stays the same.

So I wind up just hanging around with God. He doesn't seem to mind. We walk together, sit together, laugh and cry together. And no matter what he does, I just stay the same.